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We each have the power to dispel negativity. Stop it dead in its tracks! Granted, this is easier said than done, especially when someone’s negativity makes you angry. But really, it comes down to making the conscious decision to not engage negativity, and respond to it from a place of love. Although a person may direct negativity toward you, most of the time it’s not really about you. It’s an emotional trap used for the purpose to suck you in, hurt you, and bring you down. While you might have been the trigger, negativity is an individual’s personal feelings about something, which cannot be controlled by another individual. You can only control your own responses. Your ego might drive us to stoop down to that person’s level, but you should choose grace instead.

This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get mad if someone comes at you foul. Never be a doormat to anyone! It’s unrealistic to not get mad if someone insults or berates you about something. It’s healthy to acknowledge your true feelings about something. Acknowledge it, get mad, get pissed off, yell, curse, do what you gotta do. Just get it out of your system!  Then make peace with it, and send the negative inflicter love and positivity. Doing this will stop negativity  dead in its tracks and cause it to die.

If you find yourself dishing out negativity, catch yourself and figure out why you’re doing it. Find the root cause of your feelings and deal with it before you project them on to someone else. This is something even the most positive person has to deal with at times, it’s just a part of the human experience. Just own your feelings, and deal with them accordingly! I find that affirmations help me to deal with negative feelings I may be harboring. One of my favorite affirmations is “I am poised and powerful, my greatest expectations are realized in a miraculous way.” [ from Florence Scovel Shinn's book Game of Life]

So tell me..how do you deal when negativity is directed at you? What do you do when you find yourself directing negativity at others?

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A ghetto love is the law that we live by…the imagery in this video is such an accurate representation of many aspects of black love. Angry, beautiful, and passionate. Fight hard, love hard.

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Image Source: Picture Post

I could be flawed in my perception, but I think of time as an arbitrary thing. An element designed to give us a framework by which to base the pace at which we’re going, and to tell us when to start or stop doing something.

I’m thinking of time in terms of relationships. What determines the pace of the maturation? Should you kiss on the first date? Should you wait four dates, or three months to have sex? What if you have five dates in two weeks? Do you still have to wait?

When it comes to dating and mating, time is arbitrary. The only compass you need to guide you is your heart. Sure, you need to use your brain to make logical decisions. It’s not smart to be stupid. However, arbitrary timelines don’t matter as much in the context of getting to know someone. You can get to know someone just as well in two months as you can in six months. It’s the depth of your involvement that determines maturation.

Thoughts on this topic are welcome in the comments.

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Stacey Dash recently stopped by Jamie Foxx’s Foxxhole radio show on Sirius to chop it up about marriage and dating, among other things. During the interview, Stacey mentioned that she had sex with all 3 of her husbands on the first date, something that goes directly against common dating advice. To paraphrase, she said she wouldn’t marry someone with whom the sex isn’t good, and she wants to find out early if the D is good. And I can’t say I blame her in that regard.

I wouldn’t have sex with someone on the first date…but I don’t follow common dating advice that says to wait three months to have sex with a guy either. That’s just too long. If I’m seeing a new person and we haven’t had sex by three months of dating, it’s likely that it won’t happen and we’ll just end up being friends.

Every person is different, it just depends on the comfort level between the man and woman, and the rapport they’ve built with each other. I want to know sooner rather than later what I’d be getting into sexually with a person. If the sex is bad, then I’ll know we can’t date, because good sexual chemistry is important to me. But if the D is good, and we have a good rapport with one another, I’d think “this could be love.” :*D

To those who will say its whorish to have sex with someone on the first date, or within the first month of dating a guy, remember that time isn’t the measure of a whore. Time is arbitrary. The measure of ho is when a woman doesn’t have anything of value to offer except sex, which she uses to garner and sustain male attention.

So readers, share your thoughts on this one. Sex on the first date? Yes ? No? Only in Miami? Leave comments!

Image borrowed from Alphanista.com

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If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time, you probably know I don’t like holidays. They’re just so pressure filled..you HAVE to buy an outfit, attend celebrations, buy gifts, blah blah. I love socializing, but holidays stress me the fuck out, Valentine’s Day being the worst of the bunch.

I won’t make this post an anti-Valentine’s Day rant as I’ve done years’ past, but I do want to explore ways for people to enjoy a day that doesn’t always hail good memories. It could just be timing, but it seems like I’ve been single every year on Valentine’s Day. I think its cursed for me. *Burning sage*

So if you’re single, just broke up with someone, or have an aversion to holidays, there are ways to make it a good time and not feel like you’re missing out on Valentine’s Day.

• Go out with your friends. There are a gazillion Valentine’s Day parties in my ‘hood. There probably are in your area too, so grab the homies and go party!
• Or throw a party. Surround yourself with good company, good food, and drinks. Toast to life!
• Fall in love with yourself. Don’t go narcissistic, but practice acts of self love. Show yourself some appreciation – eat a nice meal, get a mani/pedi, buy those overpriced shoes you’ve been eyeing.
• Work on your projects. Start that blog, begin that piece of artwork you’ve been brainstorming on, or organize your closet. Do something that will put you in a state of “flow” and keep you engaged and occupied.
• If all else fails, and you’re really not feeling it…pop a few Tylenol PMs, and sleep through Valentine’s Day. By the time you wake up, it will be over

*Note – I ain’t no doctor, so take any medical advice I dish out with a grain of salt. I don’t need any liabilities, ya heard!?!

No matter how you spend it, I wish everyone a fun, safe, and loving Valentine’s Day! If no one loves you, Hip Hop Muse loves ya!

Image: The Diva Rockin‘

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*In my DJ Clue voice* New shit! Amerie Ft. Fabolous! More than Love! Whooooooaaaaa! </DJ Clue voice>. I really like this song, maybe because it speaks to a recent experience of mine. It’s hard loving a hip hop dude!

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These two are giving me an Ike & Tina vibe...

Urban blogs are buzzing with the news that Mary J. Blige hauled off and punched her husband Kendu in the face at her album release party at M2 Lounge in NYC the other night. Supposedly he was flirting with other women at the party, and she got pissed. Mary was probably justified in feeling disrespected at Kendu’s actions, but violence in relationships is not okay, even where the woman is the aggressor.

While it was wrong for Mary to go Elin Woods on her man, her displeasure at his actions is understandable. It’s disrespectful for a guy to openly flirt with other women in the presence of his significant other. It’s humiliating to her, and shows that he doesn’t care about her feelings. Even if he flirts with other women when she’s not around (NOT hooking up with other chicks) it’s just an outlet for him to release sexual energy. If he’s using his penis to release sexual energy, that’s another issue. Harmless flirting when your girl isn’t around is fine, but openly flirting with other women in front of your significant other isn’t cool at all.

The moral of the story here:  fellas, don’t flirt with other women in front of your girl. It’s disrespectful. And ladies, don’t hit your men. Because if he has knee jerk reaction and hits you back, you’ll be ready to call the police and  Pookie & them.

Image: Eurweb

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The worst part about being single in the during the holidays  (aside from pretending to be happy at parties and gatherings) is not having a warm body next to you when you wake up on a cold, winter morning. Even if you’re generally content with singlehood, let’s face it.  It’s just better if you have someone to snuggle up with. Who can’t use the body heat? Especially if he has nice arms. Studies have shown cuddling is good for you. There are even cuddle party events out there (I think that’s taking it too far).

If you’re totally fine with being alone during winter, then this post isn’t for you. But if you would rather have a warm body next to you than not, keep reading. Honor your needs and desires, and grab a wintertime boo.

There’s nothing wrong with having a seasonal boyfriend or girlfriend. Many people in our lives are only there for a season, anyway. Why not have that special person that you can hang out with, have fun, and snuggle up with in front of the fireplace (or space heater)? By the time spring returns, you’ll be flirty and frivolous again, so make the best of winter and get a snuggle buddy!

So tell me. Do you have a winter boyfriend or girlfriend?

Image: Female First

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We’ve all seen the movie “Coming To America” starring Eddie Murphy (one of my all time favorite flicks). A former nurse’s aide out of Maryland and Pennsylvania just so happens to be a real life incarnation of the film.

For years, Charles Wesley Mumbere worked as a nurse’s aide in Maryland and Pennsylvania, caring for the elderly and sick. No one there suspected that he had inherited a royal title in his African homeland when he was just 13.

That’s crazy, right? The article says he has a son and daughter, but there was no mention of a wife. So if you stumble across King Mumbere, you may want to holla. You may get to become the “Queeeeeeen to beeeeeeeeee!” It’s probably far fetching, but it goes to show you that it pays to give a blue collar guy consideration. He may turn out to be worldly, intelligent, respectful, and a king! Nurse’s aide or janitor today, CEO, lawyer, or Ugandan king tomorrow. I’m just saying.

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via Getty Images

An issue that seems to plague many women (and men) and keep them in unsatisfying relationships is that the situation is unequally yoked. By this I mean when it comes to certain values, there is an inconsistency or difference of opinion. When the basic values that matter to people aren’t met, the result is usually dissatisfaction.

We tend to think if we’re in love with someone, that’s all that’s needed to have a successful relationship. But love is not enough. People need real, functionally working skills to have a fulfilling relationship. Like…

1. Can you and your partner disagree without the conversation escalating into a full scale blowout?  It’s perfectly normal to not always agree on certain points, but you should be able to talk about things without arguing all the time. Some people think constant arguing equates passion, but arguing over every little thing isn’t what relationships should be like.

2. Do you and your partner agree on basic values such as marriage, family, children, lifestyle, etc.? Sometimes people focus on the wrong “things in common” with a partner. Like, “me and Jo-Jo both loooove Mocha Almond Fudge Ice Cream…we must be soul mates!” Nah. You and your partner can have completely different likes, dislikes, and tastes but what really matters is that you share similar views on spirituality, whether you both want children, where you want to live, when to get married, and your stance on monogamy.

3. The biggest issue that causes partners to be unequally yoked is an imbalance of power. Meaning, the focus is usually more on one person than it is on the other, resulting in someone’s needs not being met. Sometimes people manipulate the situation to make the whole relationship about them, and other times people take it upon themselves to focus completely on their partner, thinking they are doing the right thing for the relationship. To be fair, occasional imbalances of power are a normal facet of healthy relationships. Sometimes things will be 60-40, or even 80-20 depending on life situations that can impact relationships. But when this imbalance is at the core of the relationship,  an integral part of the relationship, someone will surely be left out in the cold.

I know what works for me by trial and error. I encourage you to explore and challenge yourself and decide what works for you, and what doesn’t.

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